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Heavens To Murgatroyd, Don't Eat These Sugar-Free Gummy Bears!

Jess Kapadia•

There's nothing like a little of someone else's misfortune to perk up your afternoon, right? Particularly when gummy bears turn from sweet candy to the downright evil little bastards we all know lie dormant within. Well, not regular gummy bears, but certainly the sugar-free kind. Hey, if you're cutting down on sugar, the sweetener in these gummies will cut down your entire digestive system. And, boom! Weight loss.

Here are a few highlights from the justifiably one-star review this "cleansed" Amazon aficionado penned after just a few handfuls from his 5-pound bag of "these innocent-looking, delicious-tasting HELLBEARS:"

  • "...the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell..."
  • "There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005."
  • "100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM."
  • "I felt violated when it was over."
  • (this one's my favorite): "It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste."

So basically, stick with regular gummy bears. Don't be that dude who thinks reducing his sugar intake could possibly involve sugar-free gummy bears. Reducing your will to live, however...

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