What Else Has The Shelf Life Of A Twinkie?

Hostess Brands has already closed some U.S. bakeries and cut hundreds of jobs.
Richard Martin•

OK, so all the reports about Hostess going bankrupt, liquidating and shutting down brands such as Wonder and Twinkies doesn't have us fooled; we're sure they'll pop back up again, owned by some other multi-national mega-corporation. But what if this really is the swan song of Twinkies?

From a personal standpoint, I really don't care. I never liked Twinkies all that much, even as a kid. But as a man of letters, I am gravely concerned about the possible loss of one of the great food-related expressions: "It has the shelf life of a Twinkie."

Hostess executives liked to shoot down the urban legend aspect of a Twinkie supposedly being able to last forever because of all the chemicals in it, but even if the snack cakes' actual shelf life was only a few weeks, the phrase had a terrific ring to it.

So what do we do if we don't have Twinkies to kick around anymore? What else has the shelf life of a Twinkie? Well it can't be Ho Hos or Ding Dongs, other possible casualties of the Hostess liquidation.

Here are some options, sticking with the idea that they have to represent a food, or at least the chemical representation of a foodstuff. But please, continue this important literary discussion in the comments below.

IT HAS THE SHELF LIFE OF:

  • A Dorito
  • Donkey Sauce
  • Fudgie The Whale
  • Sno Caps
  • A dusty bottle of Smirnoff
  • English muffins
  • Leftover Chinese food
  • Reese's peanut butter cups
  • A Frappuccino
  • A McRib
  • Mustard
  • Tapioca loaf*
  • Turtle pie
  • Coors Light

*Tapioca loaf was the only bread-like object on the shelf at any Brooklyn deli, market or bodega during the lead-up and aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. We have no idea what it is, but we're investigating.

Recommended