How To Send Food Back Without Offending Your Server

Everyone's idea of what it means to be a good diner when eating out at restaurants is different, but we can all agree that whether you're dining at one of America's Michelin-starred spots or grabbing a full English breakfast at a greasy spoon, being polite and friendly to your server is a good baseline. But how can you be a good diner and send your food back without making your server's job harder?

Food Republic spoke to Jamila Musayeva, an etiquette coach and the author of "Etiquette: The Least You Need to Know." According to her, you should "briefly explain the issue without unnecessary details."

She continued, "A simple, 'I believe there may have been a mix-up with my order,' or 'This seems undercooked — would it be possible to have it prepared a little more?' works well." Musayeva also emphasized the importance of a "calm tone and clear wording" — there's no need to get worked up or over-dramatic, nor to go on at length about what is wrong with your dish. Dishes don't get sent back super regularly, but it does happen, and if your server has any amount of experience, they have undoubtedly navigated this situation before.

Don't attempt to send your food back after you've eaten almost your entire plate (it really smacks of "I'm trying to get a free meal"); instead, try to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. As soon as you realize something is wrong — whether just by looking at it or by tasting it — flag your server ASAP.

It's important, too, that you don't inadvertently blame your server, since the food isn't their fault. Jamila Musayeva cautioned against seeming to attack the server and advised that you use "I think" or "I believe" statements. "You could say, 'I believe there might have been a confusion in the kitchen regarding my order,'" she explained. This is an example of making "I" rather than "You" statements, which is a foundation of good communication in general — but especially when you want to avoid putting the server on the hook for the mishap.

Musayeva also recommends speaking in a lower tone of voice to the server if possible, to avoid other tables overhearing your request. And remember to use your manners — you will get a lot farther in life, and with waitstaff, if you remember to say "please" when making your request and to punctuate a happy outcome with a sincere "thank you."

According to Jamila Musayeva, "Complaints that are matter of fact are more likely to be well received, such as [if your meal is] undercooked/overcooked, [if you] found hair, [or if your meal] contains an ingredient you asked not to add due to allergy, etc." For example, your steak might not be done to your expressed preference (make sure you honestly understand steak doneness before making the request), or the cooks might have included sesame seeds when just being near them is enough to give you hives — even though you specifically asked for them to be left off your meal.

If there is a small issue with your meal — too minor to warrant sending it back, but still worth mentioning — you have another option: go straight to the source. If the chef who prepared your meal comes around and asks how you enjoyed it, Musayeva said, "You can always share your thoughts or recommendations with a polite, gentle note." As it happens, some restaurants will actually take this feedback and incorporate it into future dishes.

There are some instances where it is bad form to send your food back to the kitchen. While your server might comply with your request, they are likely not happy about it. "Other complaints like I was not expecting this, [I] wanted a bigger portion, [or I] did not like the combination of flavors, are a matter of personal taste," Jamila Musayeva said. They do not constitute a situation where you should ask for a new plate. It's always a gamble when you try something new at a restaurant, but disliking a dish due to your own preferences is no reason to get your server involved.

Additionally, if you didn't understand what the dish was made of — despite the ingredients and a description of the meal being listed on the menu — that is also on you. Furthermore, if you have a known food allergy, it's always best to advocate for yourself and ask questions upfront to avoid having to send a plate back altogether.