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Le Creuset, the cast-iron cookware royalty that governs all others, just released this stop-motion video for its new Wine & Cheese Collection. For normal folk, it's simply an eye-catching few moments of appetizer porn. For me, however, it's an epic battle to the death, because it's Friday. Watch the video, then find out what actually happened at this otherwise classy cocktail shindig.  


Board #1: Alright everyone, up on this paddle-shaped cheese board. Oh my god it's a rival cheese board, and it's bigger than ours! Captain…it's worse than I thought. They have prosciutto. 

Board #2: It's much worse than you thought. We have prosciutto and figs. And blackberries.

Board #3: Brothers, crackers and cheese alike: defect from your oppressive governments — let's take back the cocktail party!

(Author's note: I had two glasses of wine at lunch)

Board #2: Blackberries, blackberries, where are you going?

Blackberries: Half our faction has decided we won't face your tyranny any longer. You could have any fruit you like — grapes, pears, even strawberries  — but you subject us to your bidding at the peak of our ripe season! You house us next to common figs! Do you hold nothing sacred? We're leaving for Board #3.

Blackberries start leaving.

Board #2: Return, we implore you. We'll cast the figs out to the rogue state and we're sorry for jamming you up. Get it? Berry joke? 

Blackberries: Fine, we'll come back. NEXT TO the prosciutto.

Gorgonzola: (off in the distance) WE HATE FIGS! 

Blueberry Goat Cheese: How about a peaceful trade, fellow soft and crumbly cheese?

Gorgonzola: Fuck you, hippie, we have nothing in common. Nothing!


Figs: Oh yeah, blackberries? You find us "common?" Is it your precious ripe season? 

Torn apart by conflict, figs invade their former homeland and all-out war breaks loose. Jarlsberg wears a balaklava and smuggles out diamonds in its rind. Dried cranberries appear out of nowhere, demanding to be recognized by their revolutionary title: Cranbaisins. The almonds of Marcona turn out to be double-agents, but they fight for the blackberries, sympathetic because Board #2 tricked them into returning only for the prosciutto to jump ship, which is not cool.

One almond and one blackberry run off and get married while pomegranates fall around them. It's very romantic, but ends in pastry-related tragedy, as the yellowed old cookbook predicted. Then, four giant godlike hands descend and stop the war, albeit through extreme means.


Naptime. Have a nice weekend, everyone.

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