NBA Preseason Power Rankings: Cheesecake Factory Edition

With the NBA season upon us, we're here with another Food Republic Power Rankings — the semi-regular feature where Jason Kessler rates all 30 NBA teams by their place in a particular food ecosystem. To begin the season, we figured there is no better place to go than the Cheesecake Factory, which is arguably the most popular restaurant with players in the entire league.

It's been four months since the Heat took their second consecutive title. Will they enter the Pantheon of Three-Peaters? Only time will tell. There are 82 games between now and the Playoffs and like every year, we've got rookies to monitor and old favorites with new jerseys in new cities. We've got ACL strains to keep track of and new team nicknames to remember – with our nationwide bee crisis, it's no wonder that we're missing the Hornets this year. Will Kobe play before 2014? How will the Rockets fare with Dwight Howard in the post? How exactly do you pronounce that Greek rookie's name on the Bucks? (it's YAHN-iss ahn-teh-toe-KUHN-poe). So many questions and so much uncertainty. That's the beauty of the NBA. So, strap on your Greg Oden knee braces and get ready for the Food Republic 2013-2014 NBA Preseason Power Rankings: Cheesecake Factory Appetizers Edition.

Crab cakesServed with Mustard and Tartar Sauce

Ask yourself this: what do stodgy old bastards eat when they go to the Cheesecake Factory? Crab cakes. They're not fancy. They're not new. They're old school and so are the Bulls. Defense doesn't win hearts and minds, it wins championships and after a preseason that saw the Bulls rack up win after win after win, it's clear that these guys aren't even willing to lose games that don't count. Derrick Rose is back and the consensus is that he's better than ever. With rising star Jimmy Butler at the 2 and the Deng-Boozer-Noah front court still in effect, these Bulls are going to charge through the Eastern Conference with one mission: extinguish the Heat.

Soup of The DayOur restaurant makes all of our soups fresh from scratch daily, available by the cup or bowl. Please ask your server about today's available soups.

Like each and every one of these power rankings, the Spurs get a joke about being old. This time, they're the soup, y'know, cause that's what old people love. The Spurs aren't sexy. They're not holding fireworks-laden introductory press conferences or making up hash-tagged-names for their city. Instead, they're winning basketball games. Tim Duncan is still alive. Tony Parker is still alive. Manu Ginobli is still alive. Most importantly, Gregg Popovich is still alive. That means you can't sleep on the Spurs – until one of them dies.

Buffalo Blasts®Chicken, Cheese and Our Spicy Buffalo Sauce all Stuffed in a Spiced Wrapper and Fried until Crisp. Served with Celery Sticks and Blue Cheese Dressing.

Have you had these things? They're incredible. If they didn't instantly tack on fourteen pounds after your first bite, we'd all be eating them around the clock. Just imagine, though, if you took away the Buffalo sauce. Deep-fried chicken and cheese eggrolls still sound pretty good, but they're missing that last ingredient to put them over the edge. That's Russell Westbrook. As long as he's out, this is just Kevin Durant trying to pretend Serge Ibaka is a potent offensive weapon. They're still going to be very, very good, but it's not even fair to judge them as a team without Westbrook. Get well soon, pal.

Avocado EggrollsAvocado, Sun-Dried Tomato, Red Onion and Cilantro Fried in a Crisp Wrapper. Served with a Tamarind-Cashew Dipping Sauce.

Avocado Eggrolls sound like something you'd eat at a fusion restaurant in the trendy part of Indianapolis. Is there a trendy part of Indianapolis? I don't know. I do know that the Pacers are going to be good this year, but probably not nearly as good as people think. Look, Roy Hibbert is a beast and Paul George is now a bonafide star, but Danny Granger just can't seem to get healthy and the point guard situation isn't exactly fearsome. Serviceable seems like a good word for the Pacers this year. They'll make the playoffs, be a hard out, but then step out of the way for the more exciting (*cough* BullsNetsHeat *cough*) teams to battle it out for the Eastern crown.

Crispy Crab Wontons Crabmeat Blended with Cream Cheese, Green Onion, Water Chestnuts and Sweet Chili Sauce Fried Crisp in Wonton Wrappers.

It's easy to think the Grizzlies are just running in place. They've got the same starters as last year (except for Rudy Gay). They've got the same coach, and the same system. They'll be the same team that made it to last year's Western Conference Finals, but will anybody care? They're like these crispy crab wontons. Sure, they sound pretty good, but they're really just the same crab meat rangoon that you've been ordering from the terrible Chinese take-out spot for years. Good, but nothing to get excited about.

Warm Crab & Artichoke Dip A Delicious Blend of Crab, Artichokes and Cheese Served Warm with Grilled Bread.

Gordon Hayward. Enes Kanter. Derrick Favors. They may not strike fear in the heart of opponents, but like a good crab and artichoke dip, they're worth cheering for. Things looked bleak in Salt Lake when Deron Williams excised Jerry Sloane and then himself from the picture. Now, there's new hope on the horizon and it's pointing at Energy Solutions Arena like an angel on top of an LDS church. Take a hunk of grilled bread and dig on in. It's new Jazz time, folks. And, no, that doesn't mean they're the equivalent of Al Jarreau's smooth jazz.

Thai Lettuce WrapsCreate Your Own Thai Lettuce Rolls! Satay Chicken Strips, Carrots, Bean Sprouts, Coconut Curry Noodles and Lettuce Leaves with three delicious Spicy Thai Sauces – Peanut, Sweet Red Chili and Tamarind-Cashew.

If you've been keeping up with the preseason, then you know that Anthony Davis has been absolutely tearing it up. With Jrue Holiday in the fold and Eric Gordon (hopefully) healthy, the newly christened Pelicans have nowhere to go but up. They're Thai Lettuce Wraps – you order them knowing they'll be good for you but you're sacrificing flavor, and then you find out that they're good for you and taste better than expected. The New Orleans Pelicans: Better Than Expected!

Buffalo WingsFried Wings Covered in Hot Sauce and Served with Blue Cheese Dressing and Celery Sticks. Buffalo Chicken Strips also available.

Why are the Pistons ranked so high after years of rebuilding futility? Just look at that front line. Greg Monroe gobbling up rebounds. Andre Drummond blocking shots into the 14^th row. Josh Smith shooting airballs from behind the three-point line. Okay, so that last one is something that J-Smoove will hopefully drop from his repertoire at The Palace, but he brings a level of talent to this team that has been sorely missing in recent seasons. Pass the buffalo wings, because these guys are going to be super fun to watch. By the way, welcome back, Chauncey.

Tex Mex EggrollsSpicy Chicken, Corn, Black Beans, Peppers, Onions and Melted Cheese. Served with Avocado Cream and Salsa.

What is there to say about the Mavs, really? Dirk's still there. They brought in UltraChucker Monta Ellis to get them some buckets. Calderon is running the point and the Statler and Waldorf duo of Shawn Marion and Vince Carter are manning the Small Forward slot. Not a real sexy time to be a Dallas fan. At least your owner is fairly entertaining on Shark Tank

Parmesan-Garlic Cheese Bread Warm Artisan Bread with Garlic Butter, Mozzarella, Parmesan and Romano Cheese. Served with Parmesan Salsa and Marinara Sauce for Dipping

Is this the year that DeMarcus Cousins finally puts it together? Let's all nod our heads yes really quickly and hope for the best. He's the parmesan-garlic cheese bread of this team. On a good day, he's incredible, setting the tone for everyone else. On a bad day, though, watch out because dude can get stale fast. Ben McLemore could be a pleasant surprise this year and Greivis Vasquez did a nice job down in New Orleans last year, so it's safe to assume he'll continue his stellar play, but come on, the Kings are a glorified D-League team.

Roadside Sliders Bite-Sized Burgers on Mini-Buns Served with Grilled Onions, Pickles and Ketchup.

Will the Wizards be good this year? No. Will they be fun to watch? The answer is finally yes – except for those jerseys. Sheesh. I know they're a nod to the Bullets, but come now. Let's be serious. They need a complete redesign. The roster's in good shape, though. At least in terms of young scorers. John Wall is great. Bradley Beal can get buckets. Otto Porter has a shot at becoming a valuable contributor in a town that already knows and loves him. Nene's got game when he's healthy and Trevor Ariza just needs to find a time machine to go back to when he was valuable. So if the Wiz won't be good this year, what will they be? Roadside Sliders, baby.

Fire-Roasted Fresh ArtichokeFresh Artichoke Fire-Roasted and Served with a Spicy Vinaigrette and Garlic Dip (Seasonal).

What in the world happened here? They got rid of George Karl and gave the team to JaVale McGee. Granted, Ty Lawson and Manimal are high quality players, but there's something about Denver that feels like the Island of Misfit Toys. They get paired with the artichoke because when you first see one, you have no idea what to do with it. There's gold hiding underneath the petals, but at first glance you just shake your head and walk away. Three years ago, they were contending for the Western Conference title. Now? Let's just hope NateRob gets a lot of playing time.

Tossed Green Salad*Enjoy our Tossed Green Salad with chopped greens, shredded carrots, zucchini, and beets. Topped with croutons, tomato wedges and cucumber slices.

I have no faith in the Raptors. It has nothing to do with their roster. It's just years of ineptitude that have soured me on the franchise as a whole. They're about as appealing as a tossed green salad. The more I look at the roster, though... these Raptors can make some noise. DeMar DeRozan is due for a big year, Kyle Lowry knows how to run a team, Gay was a big pick-up, Amir Johnson should fill his role nicely, and maybe Jonas makes the jump this year. Check in with me mid-season and I may have changed my opinion on tossed green salads.

Boston House SaladBoston Lettuce Tossed with Chopped Bacon, Egg, Blue Cheese, Croutons and Ranch Dressing.

Boston House Salad? Raise your hands if you knew that was a thing. My hand is not raised. The Celtics are in the same spot as the Sixers and Nuggets. They gave away all of their assets in hopes of tanking hard enough to draft Andrew Wiggins next year. Good luck to you, Green Goblins. Actually, no. That's a terrible thing to do to your fanbase. You don't even have Rondo until his alien brethren repair his ankle. All you have is a wicked accent and parquet floor. Sláinte.

French Country SaladMixed Greens, Grilled Asparagus, Fresh Beets, Goat Cheese, Candied Pecans and Vinaigrette.

It's hard to get behind the Suns. When faced with any decision, they go the wrong way. Alex Len? A middling college center with an ankle problem? That's your #5 pick? Come on, Phoenix. Get it together. You're obviously drunk. You get the French Country Salad because it sounds stupid and you're stupid. Good luck with that Goran Dragic/Eric Bledsoe backcourt. At least it'll distract you from the fact that you made P.J. Tucker a starter.

Check out last season's NBA Power Rankings on Food Republic: